Before reading this article, I want to preface that this will be a more personal blog post that recounts my own experiences. Let’s call it Getting Real with Nicky.
In the Getting Real series I have often been quite open about my personal experiences because I want others, who have experienced similar life situations, to know they are not alone. For today’s post, I am going to be talking about a topic that has been a lot harder for me to talk about personally because it means I have to be vulnerable about a more difficult time in my life. But I want to talk about it because I think it is an important life lesson that I hope others can learn from.
So, today I want to write about Burnout. Burnout as a concept is definitely something most of us can confidently say we have experienced. And those who have experienced true burnout can understand how it feels worse than your average stress. Burnout, as a feeling, feels like you have been stressed out for so long that now your body and mind is starting to fail you; and it manifests in the form of total exhaustion and a sense of hopelessness.
If I had to use an analogy to explain it, it’s like driving a car and riding on the clutch too long or over-revving the car too often. In the beginning it seems fine because the car can handle it but with time you add more strain to the components, and eventually those components become more and more damaged. These components wear down completely and, if not fixed in time, totally break down while you are driving. For a person who struggles with burnout, this means a total mental or physical breakdown.
My worst experience with burnout was a few years ago when I was working in an environment, which at the time I did not realise, was centred around fear, emotional and psychological tactics, and high-paced performance. I had become extremely unhappy after some time but I grit my teeth and carried on. It is what I thought I was meant to do, and what I thought working was meant to feel like.
I was also at the time, experiencing a lot of stress from a number of other personal challenges in my own life. Every day my work challenges and personal challenges added up. But I felt I never had the time to do something to decompress and I had nowhere to go to deal with my emotional experiences. Looking back, the reality is, I never gave myself that time. My stubbornness to not see a therapist was also another shot in the foot (ironic – I know).
Eventually, the piling of all the little stressors as well as the big stressors started to weigh too heavy on me and I became burnt out. I did not realise at the time that the intense exhaustion, the low moods, the intrusive thoughts (due to exacerbated anxiety), stomach problems, short fuse and high aggression were all signs my body was trying to say, “HEY! SOMETHING IS WRONG! GET HELP!” But I ignored my body and I ignored my signs until one day, I landed up in a bad car accident, that I believe could have been avoided had I been more mentally present and less reckless with my life. Because at the time, I did not care about what happened to me, if I lived or died. I saw my car lose control and I let it be.
I am a highly spiritual person and honestly believe that God and my guardian angels were there during the time. So, many things should have happened after I hit the barrier. Because my steering wheel, apparently, was no longer operational, but somehow my car slowly turned towards the emergency lane, and stopped neatly in the emergency lane. Somehow I crossed 4 lanes on the highway, in peak hour traffic let me add, to get to the emergency lane, and not a car was in sight or near me at the time of the cross over. It was all so strange because I had driven that highway every single day, and never a time had there been space to move across four lanes like that. I looked up at my angel medal in the car and my rosary and I knew that this was a sign that I was protected but I also had an opportunity to change my life. I climbed into the passenger seat to get out the car because my door was too banged up to open. I knew at this moment I needed to make a change, no matter what.
"I had an opportunity to change my life"
After that accident, I had become self-pitying and depressive. But I also knew I owed it to myself to get help. That is when I went to seek therapy and decided to go on a journey of self-discovery. It was after that I saw a therapist twice a month, started boxing, and joined a meditation class. I also left the company a few months later because I knew I had to put my mental peace first. I needed a break and I was fortunate enough to have a family and husband who supported me during this time.
During this time of self-discovery I managed to build on my mental state and spiritual state. I was also able to make sense of what I wanted or needed in a workplace, as well as what I needed in my life. I focused fully on self-care and found that I was moving back into a normal life a few months later. Yes – that’s right, it took me months to recover from burnout! Not because it normally takes that long but because I had let the burnout set in for such a long time, I needed to recover and unlearn a lot of negative habits and thoughts.
Years down the line, I can say I am grateful for the opportunity to have learnt from this time. But really, what I want the take away message to be here is, don’t wait until it’s too late to work on yourself, to give yourself time to breathe or to focus on self-care. We always make the excuse that we don’t have time but the reality is, we are always able to make time for our priorities. So, why isn’t our health and wellbeing at the top of that list? What value and contribution do we give to others when we are not mentally or physically present? If you are reading this, and don’t already have ways to practice self-care, do yourself a favour and take 10 minutes after this and take some time out for you. Because you are worth the time.
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